All my week ends are characterized by inertia. I think to myself, oh, I could do this! Or I could do that! But instead I spent my days weighting my options and I end up staying at home
I appreciate people who find my lack of faith in humanity endearing; And that, one could argue, defeats the whole purpose. However, I still fine people curious creatures -the way they take interests in the lives of celebrities, equally as theirs. That astonishes me in the same powerful way like a whiff of unexpected cat shi#$ in the morning while walking down the street. I am not proposing as alternative; everyone can do as they please. I’ve made peace with that’s how the world is and that’s how it stays.
I don’t know why I haven’t felt like writing because when I write, I do feel more alive, I guess there’s no reason to seek empathy for happiness. Happiness is an intrinsic reward.
I know that there’s something dire within me that will find its way out sooner or later and I feel like that even when things are alright; like I am my own worst enemy and as if I could jinx things just by being happy. I am afraid to be happy at times when I should be happy in case everything will go to ruins soon if I am. Isn’t that the best it gets though? Enjoying happiness while it lasts? I’m always in a twilight zone with my emotions.. like the over whelming feeling is a cautious grey but there’s sprinkles of emotions few and far in between. I look over at dad laughing and I can feel heath emanating from his smile. I freakin love that you know? I’ve spent so much time alone of my childhood that things like this can really make me feel like life is beautiful and there is hope for love. This is the few moments of happiness that I was speaking of earlier; this is the few profoundly simple moments of happiness that I live for. Recently they have been more frequent than usual, and that’s something to be happy about on its own right; that’s as good as it gets.
Let me tell you something: there is a correlation between high intelligence and depression. Most young adults that are depressed, are only depressed because they are smart, and they are aware that their life is underwhelming. But the status quo in the world is that most people are either dumb or if they know that they are smart they act like a$$holes. If you are neither dumb nor an a$$hole, you will succeed because other people find that positioning is refreshing. So please take comfort, and know that it’s not a question of whether but a question of when happiness comes to you - just have to wait that sucky 5-7 year period out.
Concierto de Aranjuez - John Williams, BBC Proms 2005. Full Concert
“If I were to search for logic, I should not look for it among the English upper class.”
1920’s Dance: The Baltimore
Music by Fred Rich and his Astor Hotel Orchestra 1928.
In London, England