Crazy Me!

Moments are photographed to make them more real, to make them true. I have evidence of my college years, so I can literally look back at them and assess them for what they were: frenetic, energetic, enriching. The photographs are my authentic existence. They are a visual reminder of what once was. I process information so rapidly that without the evidence of what once was done, I will never remember it. I’ve seen old friends and acquaintances more times in the past month than in the past year. When they ask me what I’ve done and where I’ve been, my answer is always short. This year was not photographed. My memories are ephemeral.

I read a short anecdote about living life as if in a film consumed by beautiful, inspirational things – including the self. Beautiful clothes and beautiful food and beautiful, kind people. The idea seemed silly but two nights ago, I stopped reading at 10:30PM and began to clean my room. It was not a furiously paced task and I only spent 45 minutes on it. Afterwards, I let out a breath I did not know I was holding and my head felt clear and light. I felt like the morning would be smooth and when it was, I began thinking about other beautiful things one might need like food. Not pretty food but healthy, fresh, and nourishing meals, things that would fuel you and you would desire on taste and texture and bite! And then beautiful clothing, things that fall nicely on the body, that flatter, that are well made and built to last. I started thinking about my cheap dresses made of synthetic fibers pilling around the most used areas like the shoulders and elbows. I need to do something about those, to not resort to what is convenient but what is of quality and what pays for itself through work and wear. I have a pair of Black combat boots that are beautiful because they are strong and sturdy. The sole is thick, about an inch or so, and dependable. Often, I walk so much that I wear down the toe of my shoes, causing holes that leaves them un-wearable. I wonder now if it is because of my active lifestyle, the places I walk and how often I do so, or because of the quality of my things, my reliance on what is here and now and not what is inherently “good” and “beautiful.”